On Monroe Street in Dearborn exists an unfortunate billboard, unfailingly covered in inappropriate and ineffective advertisement. To be so ill-fated, the thing must be standing on some kind of ancient Indian burial ground or the site of some fatal but entirely preventable accident. At any rate, the signage used on this billboard should be charged for assault on the eyes of all passers-by. I first noticed this billboard a year ago when it was home for a gynecological practice ad. The wording wasn’t so much the problem as the doctor’s decision to picture himself in the ad. Rather than choosing a suit, a cardigan, or even a properly worn white coat the doctor in question saw fit to wear a low-cut shirt revealing his plentiful chest hair. In keeping with his overall look, he donned a large gold chain and a lecherous grin. Every woman I spoke with regarding the billboard after my first sighting squealed in disgust and recognition. I almost pity the man—so proud of his practice that he thought he’d throw himself up on the billboard, standing tall in his own support…only to subsequently destroy his business because of his inappropriate appearance. No woman wants an oily letch spreading her legs with metal instruments in hand! *shiver*
The gyno-slick, however, wasn’t the only one to fall prey to the billboard of business destruction. Soon after his ad had been torn down another rather jarring ad went up just in time for Valentine’s Day. This one pictured a middle-aged couple kissing dead-center with a large red stamp over their faces, stating something to the effect of “STOP” or “NO.” Next to this image in bold black lettering read, “GOT ORAL CANCER??” At the bottom in smaller print were additional warnings and numbers to call to be screened for the disease, but at that point the driver looking at the sign would just be in a state of shock, incapable of further inquiry. With all the kissing going on for Valentine’s Day, I’m sure the oral cancer prevention folks got the startling reactions they’d bargained for and many a romantic date hit a false note as the freakish billboard’s memory plagued lovers’ thoughts.
Ads can make us into ravenous consumers, run us into debt, and give us a false sense of happiness. The Billboard of Doom provides us proof that they can also make us fear our own lives and want to throw up in our mouths a little.
